Lies of the CrossFit Hater
Lies of the CrossFitter
by G. Glassman
The first time I heard the name “CrossFit” was when my wife told me she had seen it mentioned on TV during a commercial break while watching the World Series game between the New York Yankees and the Boston Red Sox. She was talking about how they were playing some new kind of baseball where players used their legs instead of throwing a ball around like most other sports.
I didn’t pay much attention to what she was saying because I was too busy trying not to vomit at the thought of someone putting people through hell and back just so they could get a few extra reps on their squat rack. (For those of you who don’t know, squats are the foundation of CrossFit.)
But then after I saw the commercials, I realized why she was mentioning it: It sounded pretty intense. And it wasn’t just because I was hungry and wanted something to eat. I knew immediately that if I ever got the chance to try out this new sport, I would have to join in.
So there I was, sitting in front of the television with my wife, trying to ignore the fact that we were both wearing sweatpants and a tank top. My mind was telling me that I was comfortable, but my heart wanted to run outside and start throwing a ball around—or in this case, a medicine ball as seen in the Crossfit games. The funny thing about this is that I used to be an all-star baseball player and would always spend my days throwing the ball around.
She asked me if I was OK.
“Yeah, hun, I’m fine,” I responded. “I think I’m just a little hungry.”
“That’s what you said before we sat down,” she yelled from the kitchen. “I’m not making you anything if you’re just going to throw it up again.”
And that’s how it started. I was so ashamed of myself. I couldn’t even watch a game that I loved—and especially not with my wife who I wanted to share things with.
I felt weak, helpless, out of shape and unfaithful. I couldn’t believe that I let myself go to such extremes.
At this point, the game had ended and some news report about a fire truck hit my eyes. Luckily for me, she was still in the kitchen preparing a meal for me. I took the opportunity to head to the basement and figure out what I was going to do with my life from here on out.
I grabbed a pen and paper and started writing.
I’m out of shape.
There has to be something I can do about this. There has to be some way that I can get myself back to my old self again. I don’t want to be a burden to my wife.
I need to man up and get back in shape so we can start enjoying our lives together again.
As I continued to think about how I was going to turn things around, I looked over at the bench press machine and saw three 45-pound plates laying on it. For some reason, I thought about how people say “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” It was time for me to find out just how true that statement was.
That was the beginning of a major turning point in my life. I know some of you are probably thinking that I’m crazy for even trying this, but it’s the new me. I want to experience everything to the fullest and not be a coward about things.
My goal is to lift all 200 pounds onto that bench press and squeeze out at least 5 reps. Wish me luck.
I did it guys! 210 pounds on the bench press! Check out the video proof:
Wow, I think it’s really starting to sink in for me now. I thought I knew how to be patient, but this is ridiculous. I’m literally waiting around for my muscles to heal just so I can go and lift that weight again.
The worst thing about it is that my wife is starting to get suspicious about the huge amount of food I’m eating every day. At this point, she thinks I have a drug addiction (which is far from the truth). She’s actually making me pay for everything I eat. I’m too focused on my goal to really do anything about it though.
My muscles feel so weak right now. It honestly feels good to be humble again. Makes me realize how soft I’ve gotten over the past few years.
I’m going to dedicate day in and day out of my life just to lifting and eating. You know, if something feels so good, you should do it as much as possible.
That’s right, I’m turning this into a lifestyle. There’s no point in me doing anything else anymore since I already found my passion. Maybe I won’t ever get into the Guinness Book of World Records, but I’m sure as hell going to be the strongest “old man” in my town.
I can’t take it anymore. It’s all I think about all day and it’s making me angry and depressed. I’m not even talking about the lifting, I’m talking about my wife.
Something needs to be done about her. I’ve considered numerous options and for some reason; I’m leaning towards just killing myself.
I guess the main reason why is because I would never be able to forgive myself if something happened to her because of me. She’s been getting suspicious of me as of late. Yesterday, I was trying to figure out how high I would have to be able to lift 200 pounds and she noticed I was researching parachutes on my phone.
She didn’t ask me anything about it, but I could just tell that she was concerned about my behavior.
I wonder if she knows that I’ve been on this website for the past 2 months. Maybe I should tell her that I love her and only want what’s best for our future. Yeah, that might work.
I’ll try that tonight after we eat dinner.
It’s the next day and I’m in a better mood than I was yesterday. Last night, I told my wife that I wanted to quit my job to become a professional eater. She thought it was a fantastic idea and said she would take full care of me from now on.
All of my worries are gone now that she supports me in this endeavor.
I’m actually starting to get hungry right now, so I’m going to grab a quick bite and then get back to that bench press. I have a lot of eating to do in order to succeed in this life. I hope my wife is taking notes about all of this because she’s going to need to know what I eat on a daily basis.
I’m sure she’ll love the attention.
TO BE CONTINUED…
My New Year’s resolution for 2014 is to lose 10 pounds.
Part of me wants to keep this up and become the fattest person in the world, but I know that’s not reasonable and I’ll hate myself if I do end up gaining that much weight. This website has really influenced me to do stupid things in the past few months, so I’m going to leave it for good.
I’M LEAVING FOLLOWERS! *DONKEY KONG NOISE*
Thanks for reading about my weird journey, and here’s hoping I can get back to a healthy weight soon.
Sources & references used in this article:
- Bulky but Still Beautiful: Representations of Healthy Femininity in the CrossFit Narrative (C Madliger – 2015 – ir.lib.uwo.ca)
- Lessons From Bull Riders: How to Train Strength and Flexibility (T Kuslikis – breakingmuscle.com)
- Strength Is Not the Enemy of Yoga (J Pilotti – breakingmuscle.com)
- CrossFit: Remember What You Have Learned; Apply What You Know. (N Mullins – Journal of Exercise Physiology Online, 2015 – researchgate.net)